Every fall, I feel inundated with reminders to be thankful, to be grateful, and to be of service. I tend to get a turkey art project home from school with feathers listing things my kiddo is thankful for. But being told to count our blessings is sometimes easier said than done. Seasonal depression can set in while school, work, family, and financial stress pile up alongside holidays that require more of our presence and/or presents.

Here’s what gets missed: gratitude isn’t ignoring the hard things or viewing life through rose-colored glasses. We can acknowledge life is hard and still practice gratitude.

What Gratitude Actually Does

Gratitude is simply the practice of noticing what is meaningful, supportive, or good in our lives. Sometimes that’s something big: getting a big bonus, receiving a large gift, making a team, or winning a prize. Other times, it’s your partner bringing you home a drink after work, hitting every green light on a quiet drive home, or your kids falling asleep early enough for you to cozy up and watch reruns of your favorite show.

Gratitude isn’t a substitute for therapy, but there’s research behind it. In a 2023 review published in Einstein, Geyze Diniz and colleagues examined 64 clinical trials involving activities such as gratitude journals and expressing appreciation to others. They found fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression among people practicing gratitude, although the evidence for those changes was considered low certainty. Another 2023 analysis by Abdurrahman Kirca and colleagues, published in the International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, looked at 25 randomized trials involving 6,745 participants. They found small improvements in happiness and life satisfaction from expressing gratitude, such as writing thank-you letters, compared with neutral activities.

Anxiety and fear aren’t all bad. Think of them as protective signals that help us spot problems, recognize danger, and make judgment calls. Unfortunately, anxiety can also leave us replaying an awkward moment from gym class in 9th grade at 2 a.m. while overlooking ten ordinary moments from that very day that went just fine or even went well.

Gratitude gives us a chance to notice those moments, too. Not instead of the hard stuff. Alongside it.

Gratitude and Difficult Emotions Can Coexist

As a therapist, I think this distinction matters. Two things can coexist, even if they seem to conflict. Someone can be thankful their family lives down the street and still want better boundaries, like having them call before coming over. You can appreciate your coworker’s friendship and still wish they’d end the chat sooner so you can focus. You can recognize the people who supported you through a painful experience and still wish that experience had never happened.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is acknowledge two truths at once: “This is hard,” and “There is something here that is helping me get through it.”

Try Gratitude Without Turning It Into Homework
Start small. At the end of the day, ask what made today a little easier. Not amazing. Easier. Maybe someone checked in, you said no to something you didn’t have energy for, or someone paid for your drive-thru coffee.

If writing isn’t your thing, skip the journal. Over dinner, share one good thing and one hard thing about your day. Personally, I call it Pit and Peak, but clients use Sunshine and Storm, Highs and Lows, and Ups and Downs. It’s a great way for kids and adults to practice the ‘two things can be true at the same time’ hack. Nothing comes to mind on a particularly difficult day? That’s okay, too. You can simply be grateful the day is ending. Gratitude works best as an invitation, not another standard you’re failing to meet.

The goal isn’t to be happy all the time. That’s unrealistic. It’s to make more room for what supports you, even when life is complicated.

So while I hope I continue to get those turkeys home from school and daycare, I also hope my family can practice this daily instead of solely for November projects.